college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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