Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
