I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
