I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
