is your mom at the bar?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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