The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
