I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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