I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
