I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
