the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
