if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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