You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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