you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
