You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize