All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
