You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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