R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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