dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
