i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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