Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
