hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
