Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
