i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
