My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just blew my weed a kiss
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
