Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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