I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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