Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
