You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
