Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
