Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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