WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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