Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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