I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
