I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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