I checked into jail on foursquare
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
