I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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