I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
