Betty ford says i'm here all night
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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