He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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