my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
