i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
