cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
