she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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