Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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