I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
