bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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