if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
