Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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