Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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