i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
there is glitter all over my balls
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