I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
