i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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