I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i think i have two assholes
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
