Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
