the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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