So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
