I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you will always have a special place in my vag
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
