At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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