sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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