Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize