I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
