I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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